Talk about your mixed emotions…
When I saw a tweet heralding the end of Once Upon a Time, I admit a part of me felt relieved. I felt like finally—finally—I could be free of this show that for a time had taken over my life. I didn’t consider the people—not the actors, not the writers, not the set designers… not one of them—who would be out of a job. I didn’t think about my personal fave, Lana and what might happen to her. All I could think was it was over and I was free.
Approximately two minutes later I laughed at my naiveté. This was more than a show. This was more than television or fandom. This was, for better or worse, a part of the larger story of my life and I could not rejoice that it was ending. So relief was tinged with sadness and for the first time in a while, I felt an urge to write.
Ahhh, writing. Now there is something I can thank OUAT for. But I am getting ahead of myself.
I am sure my story, in some way or other, mirrors thousands of others around the world. But to really appreciate the impact of this show on so many lives, I think you have to look at individuals rather than the masses. So, I’d like to tell you how it impacted me.
It was September 30, 2012 and I was someplace I never am at 7pm on a Sunday—home in bed, sick. I had heard of OUAT but had exactly zero interest in watching it. To be honest, my life was such that I couldn’t have watched it even if I wanted to. I had commitments on Sunday that kept me out past the show’s air time. But on this night, here I was, sick in bed and too weak to even change the channel with the remote when the catch-up show started.
By the time the first episode of Season 2 ended, I was intrigued, especially by Regina. It was about more than Lana being attractive, though she undeniably was. It was something in Regina’s sad eyes… in her resignation that the wraith would take her… in her surprise each time Emma came to her defense.
Now I know what you are thinking. You think I was feverish for more reasons than being sick. You think I was hot for Mayor Mills and her perfect pout and power suits. I wasn’t—at least not consciously. For one thing, I was into blondes. I was crazy over green or blue eyes. If anyone on screen should have caught my eye as attractive, it was Jennifer Morrison’s turn as Emma Swan. But this wasn’t about that.
Need further proof? Ok.
Up until that moment, I had been living a lie. I had been lying to people for years, including myself, about my sexuality. I had fallen in love young with a beautiful girl who made me laugh. Years passed, an apartment became a cute 3 bedroom house with a dog and a mortgage and eventually the day came when she made me cry more than she made me laugh. It ended. I moved out and moved on.
I was still in the closet to my family and most of my friends so I saw no reason to come out after we broke up. Remember, this was when Ellen was still considered a disgraced sitcom star for coming out, not a beloved talk show host who keeps changing people’s minds about how they feel about “the other” when it comes to sexuality. Things aren’t as great as we would like now but they are better than they were 25 years ago. The fact is, I lived in a small town in the south and it was easier for me to just pretend.
But, pretending isn’t easy.
I dated a man. I tried being celibate. I stayed busy all the time to keep my mind off my feelings. I closed my eyes and scolded myself when I looked too long at the new lady in the office who was so darn cute. I changed the channel when I felt myself lingering too long on the heroine of a show. I cried at night or alone in my car and begged God to change me. I didn’t want to be gay. So I told myself lies. I wasn’t a lesbian. I wasn’t attracted to women.
I pretended.
I lied.
So, my connection to Regina, at least to my conscious mind, had nothing to do with her being a beautiful, strong, sexy woman. I could admit she was those things, but something else resonated with me—about her, about the show. Something in the back of my mind was being drawn in even if I didn’t know it at the time.
After that first episode of Season 2, I made it a point to be home in time to watch it the next week. That Monday, after episode 2, I went to the local video store and rented Season 1. I binge watched it that week. I gasped (like most of you, I’m sure) at the scene at the mine when it appeared Regina would kiss Emma. I reveled in the tension, the chemistry between these two women. I cried so many tears when Cora murdered Daniel and I longed for Regina to find her own happiness.
By now, I had begun talking about the show to all of my friends. I encouraged my BFF to watch with me but she wasn’t interested. No one I knew was watching. So I turned to Twitter for community. Early on I found people who loved the show and Regina as much as I did. I used my personal account to live tweet new episodes as I had with other shows (Castle, Missing, etc.). Still, I denied that I saw these two characters, Regina and Emma, as anything more than former enemies or tentative friends.
This went on for quite a while. I finally got some of my friends to watch with me, including my BFF. She thought Regina was horrible and couldn’t understand why I loved her so much. Of course, by “The Stable Boy” she, like so many others, understood and became an Evil Regal.
I will never forget the night of December 15, 2013. It was the midseason finale of Season 3. The episode, “Going Home,” was a good one and I was super excited as it went along. But then something happened I hadn’t expected. Regina took Emma’s hand at the town line and gave her an unspeakable gift—her memories of her life raising Henry. (Debate all you like, that is what she gave her. Not just random made up memories, but her own memories of and love for Henry fashioned into Emma’s life. Don’t fight me on this. You will not change my mind.)
It was a sad moment on screen, despite knowing full well the show would return after the winter hiatus and things would start up again somehow. But I was crying harder than this moment warranted. I was weeping long after the show was over and my screen was dark. It was more than Emma leaving. It was more than Regina’s gift or sacrifice. It was the crumbling of a wall of lies I’d been spackling for years.
I was gay. And I wanted these two women to be gay too.
You have to understand. I had lived as a lesbian in a committed relationship for years before things fell apart. I knew what it was to love another woman. This wasn’t an epiphany that a girl has at 16 when she finally acknowledges she has a crush on her best friend because she’s a homosexual.
You see, I already knew this about myself. I’d been crushing on girls since I was very young. So this wall breaking… this dam bursting… this wasn’t a wave of brand new information. This was a tsunami of pent up feelings. This was years of ignored desires. This was nearly a decade of loneliness and emptiness and busy-ness meant to quiet the screaming need in me.
And on this night in December—comforter pulled over my head in bed, hoping it would live up to its name—it was then that I finally let myself go. I didn’t know what that would mean long term, but for the moment I let the feelings free and I cried.
I cried for me. I cried for the years I’d spent lying. I cried for all the fans I knew were out there feeling just like me. I cried and, to be perfectly honest, I still begged God to help me… to change me… to make this go away so my life could be easier and things could be like everyone wanted for me. Husband, kids, house in the ‘burbs.
It was still a while after that before I let myself create a fan account and reach out to other Swan Queen fans. I was nervous about this new reality. I was scared to reach out. Would anyone want to be my friend? The answer, of course, was yes.
In the years since that night, I have been to cons, invented a con (please don’t get me started about my heartbreak over Regal Con), read more fanfiction than I think a healthy person should and made friends with other Swen. Some of those friends I hold dear to my heart and wouldn’t trade for anything. You know who you are.
After reading a lot of fanfiction that wasn’t spectacular, I decided I had at least one story in me that was at least that good and I tried my hand at writing. Now, I have been writing since I was capable of making sentences. Writing has always been something that came naturally to me. And it has always been something important to me. But somewhere along the way, I had heard a well-meaning voice say I wasn’t meant to be a writer and I had all but given up ever being good enough to really try.
However I felt about my writing in the past, fanfiction seemed to be something anyone could do and I felt brave enough to try. The response to my very first fanfiction, “Confidential,” was so great that it bolstered my confidence and I tried again. By the time “Pictures of You” was half way through its first act, and “Take Me Home Tonight” was fast becoming a reader favorite, I had gained momentum as a writer and found out that yes, I could actually do this. I suppose in that sense, Swan Queen became my muse. I had so much to say. I still do.
From the security of my pseudonym, with Regina’s face smiling out on my Twitter account, it was easy to learn who the real me was. I was able to try on different personalities until I found myself again. Along the way, I did a lot of fun things and some pretty stupid ones too. I trusted the wrong people and I hurt ones that I didn’t mean to hurt.
I also met someone through this experience that has changed my life in ways I cannot outline for you here. Suffice it to say, I love her more than the person I was circa 2013 could have imagined possible. With her help and constant encouragement and love, I have been able to look myself in the eye for the first time in at least a decade and really see myself… accept myself… love myself just as I am in this moment. Yet, I live every day in the hope of a better tomorrow as I continue to grow and change into the real me… a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon. In a way, I suppose Swan Queen played a role in that too.
You can see then that reading that the show that started me down the road of self-rediscovery… the show that struck the match to light the fires of my personal renaissance was being cancelled—well, it felt freeing on one hand (let’s face it, the show and the fandom at large can be a very toxic place) but it also felt like the end of an era. What will happen now? Will fan accounts slowly stop being used? Will fanfiction fade into obscurity? Will people continue to move on and see this show as a blip on the radar, a speck in their past life?
I am sure some of that will happen. In fact, I think some of it out of necessity must happen so that people can heal from hurts caused by queer-baiting, trolling, emotional manipulation and every other negative thing that has happened (I love the show but I never said it was perfect). I also hope that each of us will take time out to reflect on what the show and the ship have meant to each of us individually and as a group. In fact, I’d love to hear how it has impacted you.
Never has a show taken such a place in my mind or heart or life. Never has anything in entertainment been given so much of my attention, time, talent or money. I am sad that it is ending but I am so happy that it happened. And I am happy that it brought all of you into my life if even for just a moment.
Once Upon a Time is ending but my story—and yours—is just beginning.
Viva la Swan Queen!
SwanQueen is so much more than the sum of its canon parts. We made the name, the fandom, the community, the friendships, the families and with these experiences I hope we can make a better world for those that come after us.
Big hugs to you and Viva La SwanQueen
OUAT is Cancelled: Thoughts on the End of an Era, Being Gay, & Loving Yourself
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