neurodiversitysci:

vegetablearian:

cptsdwillgraham:

beebunny:

here’s an idea: notice toxic trends in your behavior and, idk, change them

the fact that people are complaining on this post that they can’t change their behaviors that hurt others because they have x mental illness and We Can’t All Be Neurotypical Karen is absolutely fucking wild. do you realize your arguments have come full circle to being indistinguishable from the most crude, generic “mentally ill people are inherently dangerous and/or abusive” ableist rhetoric? you always have the agency to address the ways in which you are hurting others (or yourself). maybe not instantly. maybe not effortlessly. but it IS within your abilities and it is something you owe to your community and yourself

Even if you honestly can’t change you can still recognise that you’re hurting people and apologise to them. You don’t have to mean to hurt people to hurt people. You don’t have to know you hurt someone to hurt someone! The least you can do is own up to what you did and apologise. They will appreciate it and it’s good for you too. If you feel hopeless because you don’t seem able to stop hurting people in whatever way, at least that’s a positive action you can take.

Weighing in as a neurodivergent, emotionally dysregulated, socially anxious person who can be irritable, critical, oblivious to others’ needs, messy, late, and forgetful:

I’m responsible for my behavior, and you’re responsible for yours. Managing one’s own brain and body is part of being an adult. Unfortunately, changing our behavior can be even harder for people with disabilities and mental illnesses. No matter how hard you work, you’ll screw up again at least once, and other people might notice your failure but take your success for granted. And we still have to take responsibility anyway.

So, here are some things you can do if you can’t change a behavior right away:

1. Admit to yourself that you’re doing it. Don’t run away from it. Don’t beat up on yourself or distract yourself.

Think about what triggered the behavior, how you can prevent it from being triggered, and what you can do instead next time you feel that way.

2. Acknowledge how your behavior affected the person and sincerely apologize. (Say what you did, paraphrase how it made them feel, and don’t include an explanation). This is minimal level taking responsibility.

3. When apologizing, don’t grovel and abuse yourself in front of the other person until they feel like they need to comfort you. (I struggle with this one).

3. Work on it, and let them know that you are. (If they want to know how you’re working on it, and you don’t need to keep it secret, tell them. For example, setting multiple alarms to stop being late for appointments, or seeing a new therapist).

If it will take a while, it’s probably best to say that, and that you’re committed to working on it for that long.

4. Don’t insist that they praise you every time you make the tiniest bit of progress. Praise yourself instead. (I’m really bad at this).

Or, if praising yourself doesn’t feel like anything, try sharing your progress with people who have similar mental illnesses, or are working on similar behavior. They’ll probably understand and appreciate the effort you made.

5. Whenever possible, prevent yourself from getting into situations that automatically trigger the behavior for you.

Keep yourself well fed and well rested, avoid being around people who criticize you, meditate to keep your stress level low, avoid doing things you’re terrible at in front of other people…or whatever keeps you regulated.

6. If you take every precaution you can and still notice yourself starting to feel out of control, remove yourself from the situation and calm down. (It happens).

7. If you can’t stop yourself from doing the behavior, do something extra nice for the person to show you care and repair the relationship.

8. Accept any natural consequences of hurting the other person without complaining.

9. If you can’t function well enough right now to interact with someone without doing the behavior, and you can’t manage 1-7: you may need to separate yourself for a while. (Note: try to give some sort of explanation or warning before you disappear). Ideally, you would only have to disappear from your least essential relationships.

“Recovery” may not be possible for everyone, but not being an asshole is within everyone’s reach. 🙂