I had my first kiss with a boy long before I transitioned. At 17, I
knew I was a girl, but also that adults in my life weren’t ready for
that. I figured if I couldn’t be a girl, then I might as well fake being
a boy who likes boys.

It
was the winter of 2004. I remember this because that was when my little
heart discovered the Bright Eyes’ song, “Lover I Don’t Have to Love.”
On this perfectly executed, piano-driven, emotional-roller-coaster of a
track, Conor Oberst sings, I want a lover I don’t have to love. I want a boy who’s so drunk he doesn’t talk.

Families are changing. Find out how—every week.

On
the desktop computer in the kitchen of my home in rural Maine, I opened
up AIM and typed out an away message with that lyric and then, without
waking up my parents, I crawled back upstairs to my bedroom to sleep.

TW: Suicide, Transphobia, Physical Assault mentions in the rest of the article

I Detransitioned. But Not Because I Wasn’t Trans.