My life got better when I accepted that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. You aren’t always going to get the job, the partner, the class, the internship or whatever else you care about. Sometimes shit hits the fan and you have to be okay with that. Every time your life falls to pieces you can’t hit the floor, you gotta get your shit together, let out a little cry and keep going. Like just bc shit doesn’t work out does not mean life is going terribly, it just means it wasn’t meant to be at this time and that’s A o fucking kay.
When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries.
Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship.
Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy – don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly:
It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while.
I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this.
This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?
You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on.
It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me.
I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on?
I’m sorry, but I can’t answer my text messages 24 hours per day. I really want to make sure that you always have someone to turn to if I’m not available. Are there some other people you would trust with this? I can help you tell them, if you’re not comfortable doing it by yourself.
I hope these suggestions are helpful – best of luck to all of you, and make sure to put your own mental health first when you have to.
here’s an idea: notice toxic trends in your behavior and, idk, change them
the fact that people are complaining on this post that they can’t change their behaviors that hurt others because they have x mental illness and We Can’t All Be Neurotypical Karen is absolutely fucking wild. do you realize your arguments have come full circle to being indistinguishable from the most crude, generic “mentally ill people are inherently dangerous and/or abusive” ableist rhetoric? you always have the agency to address the ways in which you are hurting others (or yourself). maybe not instantly. maybe not effortlessly. but it IS within your abilities and it is something you owe to your community and yourself
Even if you honestly can’t change you can still recognise that you’re hurting people and apologise to them. You don’t have to mean to hurt people to hurt people. You don’t have to know you hurt someone to hurt someone! The least you can do is own up to what you did and apologise. They will appreciate it and it’s good for you too. If you feel hopeless because you don’t seem able to stop hurting people in whatever way, at least that’s a positive action you can take.
Weighing in as a neurodivergent, emotionally dysregulated, socially anxious person who can be irritable, critical, oblivious to others’ needs, messy, late, and forgetful:
I’m responsible for my behavior, and you’re responsible for yours. Managing one’s own brain and body is part of being an adult. Unfortunately, changing our behavior can be even harder for people with disabilities and mental illnesses. No matter how hard you work, you’ll screw up again at least once, and other people might notice your failure but take your success for granted. And we still have to take responsibility anyway.
So, here are some things you can do if you can’t change a behavior right away:
1. Admit to yourself that you’re doing it. Don’t run away from it. Don’t beat up on yourself or distract yourself.
Think about what triggered the behavior, how you can prevent it from being triggered, and what you can do instead next time you feel that way.
2. Acknowledge how your behavior affected the person and sincerely apologize. (Say what you did, paraphrase how it made them feel, and don’t include an explanation). This is minimal level taking responsibility.
3. When apologizing, don’t grovel and abuse yourself in front of the other person until they feel like they need to comfort you. (I struggle with this one).
3. Work on it, and let them know that you are. (If they want to know how you’re working on it, and you don’t need to keep it secret, tell them. For example, setting multiple alarms to stop being late for appointments, or seeing a new therapist).
If it will take a while, it’s probably best to say that, and that you’re committed to working on it for that long.
4. Don’t insist that they praise you every time you make the tiniest bit of progress. Praise yourself instead. (I’m really bad at this).
Or, if praising yourself doesn’t feel like anything, try sharing your progress with people who have similar mental illnesses, or are working on similar behavior. They’ll probably understand and appreciate the effort you made.
5. Whenever possible, prevent yourself from getting into situations that automatically trigger the behavior for you.
Keep yourself well fed and well rested, avoid being around people who criticize you, meditate to keep your stress level low, avoid doing things you’re terrible at in front of other people…or whatever keeps you regulated.
6. If you take every precaution you can and still notice yourself starting to feel out of control, remove yourself from the situation and calm down. (It happens).
7. If you can’t stop yourself from doing the behavior, do something extra nice for the person to show you care and repair the relationship.
8. Accept any natural consequences of hurting the other person without complaining.
9. If you can’t function well enough right now to interact with someone without doing the behavior, and you can’t manage 1-7: you may need to separate yourself for a while. (Note: try to give some sort of explanation or warning before you disappear). Ideally, you would only have to disappear from your least essential relationships.
“Recovery” may not be possible for everyone, but not being an asshole is within everyone’s reach. 🙂
We’re very happy that a lot of groups like various IWW locals and socialist parties have stepped up to agitate and educate at March For Our Lives events, and we very much hope that that trend continues to grow, because JESUS CHRIST are these kids coming out with some bad takes.
as you get older, you realize that you’re not always right and there’s so many things you could’ve handled better, so many situations where you could’ve been kinder and all you can really do is forgive yourself and let your mistakes make you a better person.
something that has really worked for me in terms of self improvement is trying to form a single habit at a time. i’ve self-sabotaged countless of times trying to turn my life around in a single night, like, writing down a schedule where i’m going to wake up early, do yoga, cook my own food, work six hours and then write for another two, etc, etc, and like, that does help form a coherent picture of what you want your life to look like, it helps visualizing the path before you, but it just like… the Disorders get in the way, and even with a quote unquote healthy brain it’s not something anyone can just achieve overnight. so like, for example, last year i started forming the habit of reading for half an hour before i go to bed instead of scrolling my phone, and this year i added journaling, too. i just started forming the habit of not scrolling tumblr as soon as i wake up and i’m saving a lot of time in my mornings.
and like, it wasn’t something that i immediately got used to, i was so upset the first time i forgot to write about my day or sometimes i end up googling useless stuff instead of reading a book, but now it seems more natural than not to do these things.
i think my point is, and maybe this is obvious but it truly has been a reality check and a revelation for me, is that focusing on a single, small thing is so much more helpful than beating yourself over not being able to suddenly become a healthy person with healthy habits. forming habits takes time, adopting healthy routines takes time, and trying to do it all at once is incredibly discouraging, but little things add up.
I first read about a technique like this in a Rookie article, How to Structure Your Days If You’re Depressed. After reading it I decided I wanted to try it, and made it my goal to wash my face every day before bed. It wasn’t easy at first, and I still miss some days, but I can already tell it’s helping me and I feel more capable and more in control of my life. Plus my face looks a lot better, so I’m starting to feel more self-confident. Anyways basically I just mean to say that this is really solid advice I wish I’d known about earlier and I hope if you’re reading this and have trouble structuring your days that you give it a shot!
I think “Overwhelmed” here means overwhelmed by too much to do. I first read it as “ overwhelmed by emotion”, so none of the recommendations made sense to me.
When I’m overwhelmed by emotion and I’m in a situation where I can’t just let myself feel the emotion until it passes, I find that several seconds of focusing my attention on my immediate physical environment – my breathing, the temperature, the sounds around me, the weight of my feet on the floor, etc. – will be very helpful in calming myself and getting into a headspace where I can be functional.
The hard part is remembering to make time later for processing out the unfinished feelings.
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