ink-and-daggers:

This is a response to a community member who asked about teaching social skills to autistic kids. It’s by no means complete and is more of a rambling stream of thoughts that I hope can prompt some interesting discusssion. Also, I’m aware that the formatting is a bit messy, but it’s the best I can do with my mobile device at the moment.

So, I’m going to start by looking at some definitions of the word “socialization,” which is usually the core of what people are typically seeking to develop when talking about teaching “social skills.”

“1. the activity of mixing socially with others.

2. the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.”

-What came up when I googled it

“A continuing process whereby an individual acquires a personal identity and learns the norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate to his or her social position.”

-Dictionary.com

“The act of adapting behavior to the norms of a culture or society is called socialization. Socialization can also mean going out and meeting people or hanging out with friends.”

-Vocabulary.com

Now, this was the definition I found most comprehensive and interesting…

“Process by which individuals acquire the knowledge, language, social skills, and value to conform to the norms and roles required for integration into a group or community. It is a combination of both self-imposed (because the individual wants to conform) and externally-imposed rules, and the expectations of the others. In an organizational setting, socialization refers to the process through which a new employee ‘learns the ropes,’ by becoming sensitive to the formal and informal power structure and the explicit and implicit rules of behavior. See also organizational culture and orientation.”

-Businessdictionary.com

Unfortunately, when a lot of professionals teach social skills, they focus on very superficial goals and teach them in an inflexible, compliance-based manner that erases the true complexity of real life society. It is often assumed that disabled people, especially children, are incapable of understanding the nuances and inconsistency of social “rules,” so teaching with this reality in mind is often not even considered.

For example, the original post that prompted this introduces and teaches a very rigid way of meeting a new person. It’s a social script with potential utility, but if it were used consistently could actually come across as very awkward, inauthentic and in the end be alienating. I’ve regularly got talking to a stranger and sometimes even talk to them for over an hour before going, hey, by the way, what’s your name, I’m so and so.” Sometimes we don’t get each other’s names at all, and it’s still a positive and pretty “typical” social interaction. The eye contact focus and standard is always ridiculous, the most I ever teach nowadays is that if a client *wants* to make eye contact, there are situations where people may commonly expect it, and that if they’re uncomfortable, they can look between a person’s eyes (and people really can’t tell). I also teach that sometimes when people demand eye contact, what they really want is assurance that you are listening, so perhaps if eye contact is too stressful, find an alternative way to let them know you are paying attention such as saying “I hear you” or giving a thumbs up.

In my own current practice, I follow a flexible formula meant to support my client in achieving their goals…

🌸What does the client want to know? What areas do they feel like they are struggling in and want to learn more about? I try to talk with my clients about this as much as possible and unpack and critically assess these desires.

🌸Have I ruled out issues related to anxiety, sensory overload, etc? What can be done to make accommodations for those issues?

🌸I try to stay informed on broader research into human development while I actively question what “socialization” even is… and take in everything from a critical perspective. Behaviorism is a field that generally ignores research from other fields, and focuses primarily on external reinforcement and punishment to teach skills. There ARE alternatives. In my own practice, I have found sensory integration, real world integration and trauma-informed practices to be incredibly helpful and much more holistic than conventional ABA approaches.

🌸It’s fine to teach and expect “good manners,” but keep an open mind about ways to keep those norms flexible for the person.

🌸Explain things in advance, but avoid rigid “social skills curriculum.” Socialization is not best learned in a hyper restricted course, but in well… out in actual society. The real world will always throw curveballs in. These are opportunities to explain nuance, personal choice, cultural differences, etc.

For example, I had a client who liked blasting loud, intrusive music on his phone when we were at a busy park. I explained to him that other people didn’t like it because they could not choose the music and were being forced to listen to it, and that headphones were a good alternative. Then, a man walked by us, blasting his own loud and intrusive music from his phone. This made for some very interesting conversation about this social situation, and ultimately my client decided that headphones were the way to go (except when no one else but us are at the park). There is no way we could have had that rich of an experience were we not in that busy park. And I also didn’t have to manufacture any reinforcement schedules or punishments.

🌸The real world doesn’t have to be a place where one learns to fit in and try to find acceptance from people who are reluctant to give it. I often take clients to coffee shops and cafes. We frequent the ones with workers who “get it” and atmospheres that fit with their personalities. We avoid the ones where we have to spend all our time managing sensory overload and educating ignorant, judgmental people. There’s always other “weird, quirky, misfit” people out there… instead of focusing on being popular or well liked, work on skills that help clients find and get along with people who like them for who they are.

Several years ago, a behaviorist I worked with bragged to me about how she had a client who was going to McDonald’s after school with a group of friends. But then, the kid read a book about animal rights and said he didn’t want to go to McDonald’s anymore. Instead of objectively explaining to him the various potential social consequences of no longer going to McDonald’s and perhaps teaching him ways to find other youth interested in animal rights, she forcefully insisted that he had to keep going to McDonald’s or he would have no friends. He stayed quiet about his beliefs and kept going to McDonald’s because he believed her. This could have been an opportunity for the client to establish their own identity and values, learn to manage disagreement, or even find new friends…. instead, this person was told their identity and values don’t matter. Not cool.

🌸If there is a safety issue involved, be very open and honest with the client about this. For example, if they are doing something illegal, could hurt others or could get them beat up, don’t be afraid to explain the consequences this behavior could lead to and set clear boundaries.

🌸Teach consent and the importance of respecting boundaries in a comprehensive and ongoing manner. Not just other people’s boundaries, but theirs as well.

🌸There may be holes in the client’s baseline knowledge that need to be filled before moving forward. For example, I worked for a long time with a client who hit puberty and became very sexually interested in women. His parents never taught him about sex, consent, bodies, or any of that, because of their religious beliefs and because they did not believe a disabled person like him could be sexual. His issues were compounded by the fact that he had never had his own boundaries or consent respected. People had touched him without permission and forced him physically to do things his entire life. He also consumed lots of media unsupervised, where things like boundaries and consent didn’t matter. Be patient with these complications.

I spent the first several weeks of working with him fending off what counts as sexual harassment and attempts at inappropriate touching. Because he had never learned about consent, it was ineffective to simply explain that it wasn’t okay to touch my leg without permission. He was repeating what he had seen and experienced that had been deeply ingrained before meeting me. For a long time, my nickname was “Branch,” after the character from the Trolls movie. He loved that film but had taken a problematic message from it…. that deep down, everyone wants to be touched and hugged and dance, and if you coerce them enough, they will eventually go along with it. We had to have many, many conversations about what consent was, why he had the feelings he did, the potential legal consequences for behavior like his, why past interactions people had with him weren’t okay, why movies don’t always represent good behavior, and so on. He is someone with more limited expressive verbal and receptive language skills than the average person, so I was constantly seeking new examples and ways of explaining. One day, he got in my car and excitedly said he finally got what I had been talking about, and showed me an old “Sonic Sez” video he had found on YouTube. The video is a brief overview of boundaries that explains the basics of consent. After that, we had hardly any issues with inappropriate touching, etc.

🌸Presume competence and have faith that they might surprise you and learn something suddenly and/or on their own. Discard any possible pretentions that you might have all the answers or that your way of socializing is the only or best way.

🌸Don’t trick or coerce clients into doing things. If they ask why you want them to try something, give them an honest, judgment free, no bullshit answer.

🌸Socialization can be generally divided into two categories: necessary (work, running errands like going grocery shopping or to the bank, etc) and optional (hanging out with friends, going to a social gathering of new people). The social rules/scripts in the first category tend to be less flexible, but the social rules in the second can be vastly more important if the person has a strong desire to build and maintain a relationship. Screwing up a social interaction with a clerk at the store may be embarrassing or even lead to a major meltdown, but doesn’t as frequently lead to the severe emotional crisis that a screwed up interaction with a dear friend likely would.

Part of realistic socializing is having to learn and deal with the fact that some people just won’t like or understand you, and that’s not necessarily a reflection of your value. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and negativity are part of everyone’s life, even people with “good social skills.” Be realistic about this and don’t make it all about their autism/disability. This is where it becomes very important to get the client involved in what they want to learn.

🌸At the end of the day, the most rewarding relationships are the ones where a person can be authentic. A lot of times professionals will try to force autistic kids to be friends with (neurotypicals) kids they just don’t mesh with, and the kids would have an easier time if they were introduced to people already similar to themselves. I struggled in absolute misery for years as a child, trying desperately to be friends with people who didn’t care how hard I was trying to have good social skills and get along with them. A lot of those problems faded when I finally said “yanno what, I am different from most my peers, and I’m just gonna hang out with the other weirdos and people who accept me how I am.” I was not lucky enough to have adults who coached me through this, and I didn’t figure it out until I was in high school.

Well-meaning professionals and parents often focus on who *they* want a person to be friends with, instead of finding communities that are already embracing people like them. Sometimes that might even mean socializing online. A lot of neurotypivals find that idea upsetting and not encouraging “real friendships”, but those friends can be lifesavers for someone struggling to make connections in an offline community.

🌸Society is changing. Autism awareness is slowly moving into acceptance, inclusion and accessibility. Be part of that shift.